question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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