I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
