apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
