I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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