I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
