fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
