I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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