Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
