Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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