I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
