Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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