if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
