I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
