How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
