thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
