Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
