Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
