guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
