don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
