True but thats because hes a fetus.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
