She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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