Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
