There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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