There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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