Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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