This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
