i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
