Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
