Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
