Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize