weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
