my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
