Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
