Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just high enough for therapy.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
