dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
