i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize