Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I can text with my tongue
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
