I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
