i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
