I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
