i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
