You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize