We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
