I puked a lego.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
