I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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