Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize