Need sex. Gaining weight.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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