so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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