genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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