I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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