You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize