i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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