my phone needs a breathalizer
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
