why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
