She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
