i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
What drink are we having for lunch?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
