: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
