I looked at my own cervix.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
