he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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