I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize